Thursday, October 12, 2006
Identity and relationships
Two things that have happened in my life recently have got me thinking about what effect our relationships have on our identity.
The first one was getting married, which I did 1½ months ago. There were several commitments I made to Pete - in the declarations, which is the love, comfort, honour and protect bit; in the vows, which is the for better for worse, till death us do part bit, and in the giving of the rings. The most moving part for me was when I gave him his ring, and promised “all that I am I give to you”. I imagine the whole of my life will be a journey of discovery of quite who and what I am. A promise to make that journey with another person, and to entrust the discoveries, whether I like them or not, to another person – now that’s special. A married friend was saying how she feels that she and her husband are one, that they are one unit, one entity, and although they act independently that she thinks of ‘us’ rather than ‘me’. Now I wouldn’t go that far (to say that now Pete and I have the same identity) but we have entrusted our identities, all that we are, to each other.
The second thing (which is linked) was changing my name, which we have done together, to a combination of our former names. It felt really scary! Especially the bit on the deed poll where I had to declare that I absolutely and entirely renounced, relinquished and abandoned use of my former name. That felt scarier than any of the wedding vows. It was an utter abandonment of my name, the name I’ve had since I was born and have carried with me all my life, and the adoption of a name that absolutely and publicly joins me to Pete (it’s a pretty unusual name so there’s no doubt!). That’s not a bad thing, but I just hadn’t thought until now how much my name was part of my identity. It felt like a sacrifice, though willingly made.
These aren’t just self-indulgent bridal ramblings, because this all got me on to thinking, how do we allow our relationships with God to be part of our identity? That journey of discovery of who and what I am, that’s with God too, and I entrust that to God. Do public commitments make a difference to that? And what are the outward signs of our relationship with God – nothing as concrete as a ring or a name change for the majority of us (although of course for monastic people) – although for some of us a collar and a ‘Rev’ are, or will be, part of that relationship. Thoughts?
The first one was getting married, which I did 1½ months ago. There were several commitments I made to Pete - in the declarations, which is the love, comfort, honour and protect bit; in the vows, which is the for better for worse, till death us do part bit, and in the giving of the rings. The most moving part for me was when I gave him his ring, and promised “all that I am I give to you”. I imagine the whole of my life will be a journey of discovery of quite who and what I am. A promise to make that journey with another person, and to entrust the discoveries, whether I like them or not, to another person – now that’s special. A married friend was saying how she feels that she and her husband are one, that they are one unit, one entity, and although they act independently that she thinks of ‘us’ rather than ‘me’. Now I wouldn’t go that far (to say that now Pete and I have the same identity) but we have entrusted our identities, all that we are, to each other.
The second thing (which is linked) was changing my name, which we have done together, to a combination of our former names. It felt really scary! Especially the bit on the deed poll where I had to declare that I absolutely and entirely renounced, relinquished and abandoned use of my former name. That felt scarier than any of the wedding vows. It was an utter abandonment of my name, the name I’ve had since I was born and have carried with me all my life, and the adoption of a name that absolutely and publicly joins me to Pete (it’s a pretty unusual name so there’s no doubt!). That’s not a bad thing, but I just hadn’t thought until now how much my name was part of my identity. It felt like a sacrifice, though willingly made.
These aren’t just self-indulgent bridal ramblings, because this all got me on to thinking, how do we allow our relationships with God to be part of our identity? That journey of discovery of who and what I am, that’s with God too, and I entrust that to God. Do public commitments make a difference to that? And what are the outward signs of our relationship with God – nothing as concrete as a ring or a name change for the majority of us (although of course for monastic people) – although for some of us a collar and a ‘Rev’ are, or will be, part of that relationship. Thoughts?
