Confessions of an absent Mobster

I have just returned to the outside world by recharging my batteries with a two-day retreat in St Michael’s convent in Ham. It was full of silence, spiritual direction, Ignatian meditation, soul searching, garden walking, nuns-food-eating and the daily offices.

The convent was a deeply spiritual place. There was a real wisdom in the eyes and faces of the nuns who I felt I got to know even though they and I were in silence for the entire time we met except for worship services. The garden was mystical and I could breathe fresh air.

Before I got here I knew I was feeling deep spiritual pain and exhaustion. God felt very distant in my own life but very real in my work with Moot in the lives of others, so I came to the convent to face my pain and to try and reconnect to a God that felt very absent in my own personal life.

I met with Sister Cathy on both days – a very wise spiritual director who guided and helped me to face my pain and seek Christ in it. She helped by suggesting I engage in Ignatian meditation of the Emmaus Road and the Garden of Gethsemane. She was incredibly loving and gracious as I expressed my frustration to her of my singleness and the sense of not feeling God’s love in my personal life for sometime.

So I faced the pain, I projectively walked round the circular garden half my first day, in tears in feelings of claustrophobia and anger, and after what felt like an exhausting time God came to me, with a sense of love and care that stopped me in my tracks, I sensed God's presence in my pain. I could not be cynical with it – I stopped feeling numb and angry and just wept – as I felt Christ hold me, touch me, love me like I have not felt for a long time. In the many services in the chapel - I felt this love, in the prayers I sensed God’s love and I felt a peace I have not felt for a while about me.

In a meditation on the Emmaus road, I met Jesus and had two experiences. One of total affirmation that Jesus loved me for who I was, and that unlike my own father who walked out when I was 10, I need not feel unworthy as a person or insecure (that goes deep) about relationships or the love of God. This Christ was enoying our encounter - that I brought pleasure to the divine.

The second, and one that is more painful is what the nun called ‘a hollowing out time of darkness’, in the sense that in the meditation I repeatedly asked Jesus about my future – and all there was, was a definite silence. Yes I feel affirmed in my relationship to and with Christ, but no sense of what God thinks of my desire for a partner and to share intimate love with. This remains painful. I won’t go into it anymore – needless to say – I am going to be going back to these Ignatian meditations to seek God for my future on top of my sense of the Love of God for who I am and what I am doing.

I have come back re:membering who I am, and that I am loved by God, with two important things going on for me. I will be returning to this special place in the future.
All this for £34 daily spiritual direction, food and stay included. I can strongly recommend these 24-hour retreats – it has been a lifesaver for me.

I really don’t understand how people with out spiritual direction and breaks like this keep going in life…… If you are one of those – take a plunge – it is worth it.

I will be using some of my experiences for the big service. I think people will be relieved to hear that the real Ian will be returning.