So I was honored to be invited to the Consecration of Stephen Conway as the next Bishop of Ramsbury. He will be a Suffragan of the Diocese of Salisbury, and everyone was there, and I mean everyone, (that is except Ian, some of the Non-Stips have to get paid). Anyway there was a slew of Bishops, Priests, and even a couple Deacons (I didn't realize the Church of England actually ordained Deacons anymore, interesting). And of course me, who seemed completely out of place, like Barbarino at a country Club. That is him on the left, it was one of John Travolta's first roles as an actor in the Seventies. He had a hilarious role of being an obnoxious and out of place person throughout the series Welcome Back Kotter (drop the r and it sounds the way Barbarino talked).

So, the reason I was completely out of place was because of dress code. All priests were to go in Cassock and Surplice, with a red stole for Alban the Proto Martyr. And yours truly went with a Cotta instead of a Surplice. Yes that is correct I looked like a glorified Altar boy.
Standing with distinguished priests, like Fr. Phillip, and Fr. Richard, surrounded by Surplices I came with a Cotta. Now it is not because I did not know the difference rather I set everything out, and in a rush to get to the door I grabbed what was left on the vestments chest which I thought was the surplice I laid out (which of course was on the chair). So, I go into the crypt at St. Paul's Cathedral past Nelson's tomb, and the rest of the famous people, and put on a Cotta that came down to my navel, and barely covered my elbows.

Now you would think everyone would laugh, but no, the English are very polite, they just did not invite to any lunch afterwards. Now I am pretty sure that Fr. Phillip was asked about it, which he quickly responded "yes, I know". I felt pretty absurd processing out with the rest of them, hoping praying that I would be covered by their white flowing surplices which when down to their hands and knees. I do not know if anyone discovered, no one has spoken about it, but everyone who I have spoken to has laughed for a while which is nice join in the humiliation.

Which has forced me to look again at humiliation. And has forced me to ask the question about whether or not humiliation can lead to a right relationship with God (i.e righteousness). I believe that sin is the reality of a world created by God yet somehow separated from that very being. Not that there is a real tangible geographic separation but rather we as humans cannot relate to our creator the same way that say I speak with Ian, or touch a tree, or eat Trine's wonderful supper (thank you by the way). You see there is no response that I can sense in the way I sense the above images. I am left alone to come up with my own devices on how to understand God, which of course leads to idolatry. I make god in my own image, and I get the responses from this god that I want to hear, touch, taste, feel, and see. So in some sense the identity of this god is me. In some sense then humiliation forces me out of this relationship with myself where I am forced to live in a world where I am definitely not God, and in the case of today look like a buffoon. The dark side of this process is the image of shame that seems to come from humiliation. Yet, I think it is our response to humiliation, it is our acceptance of an identity given by another. For me that identity was the two words f**k up, which was given to me by my Father when I was seven.

You see when I enter St. Paul's Cathedral looking different, and like a fool, I want very much to take the stick to myself and say "you are nothing but a f**k up." But you know what I am just a human being who stumbles about in the dark and makes mistakes. Being a f**k up takes away both my identity as one who is loved, and replaces it with the identity of worthless. Being worthless allows me not to actually change, and therefore continue the cycle of idolatry where I am stuck as either god, or the f**k up. Where I never enter into that identity given to all of the body of Christ "You are my child, in whom I am well pleased"

Your Brother, and Altar Boy, in Christ,
Travis K Smith